Much of my life I have believed there is a right way and a wrong way, and of course, my way is the right way. This has been the cause of many problems in my adult life, especially with those that I am closest with. This black/white, good/bad, right/wrong doesn’t leave much room for what’s in the middle. The older I get, the more I realize and see the in between. It is, it seems, what make up most of life. Is my belief system affected, programed by such binary thoughts, patterns?
Often I have been angry and frustrated, feeling that others weren’t listening to me, not doing something my way. In general, I struggle with deciding. Decisions are hard for me. I worry if I am going to choose the right way or wrong way, and what others will think of me, of my choice?
The word decide means a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration. The suffix of decide -cide is the same as in insecticide or homicide, denoting a person or substance that kills. In Latin the suffix means to cut. To choose one idea, path, or action all other options have to be cut away or killed.
When I am making a decision I am so concerned on making the right choice, on how I will be viewed, that I do not feel resolute. Instead, I flip flop back and forth worried I’ll mess up and choose the worst option. This brings up feelings of insecurity, of wanting to be decisive but knowing I am not. I want to be sure, to be committed to what I decided but more than that I don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to be told that I chose poorly. So I grip tight to my way and hope that I won’t be found out. But what if there isn’t a wrong or right for every decision?
As I begin to examine my beliefs more questions started to come up. What if it’s right for me now, and not tomorrow? Or what if it’s right to everyone involved? Or what if I’m just exploring and will learn from either choice I make? What if at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if I took option A or option B as long as I listened to my heart?
Maybe it’s more about listening to myself, trusting myself to make the best decision in the moment, not to labor back and forth on every little point. I want to be proud of the decision I make, to stand behind what I want in my life and be able to say this made the most sense to me in the moment. This is what I decided right now and it doesn’t mean that everyone has to follow along with my choice. It doesn’t mean others need to confirm my choice, they have their own path to follow, they have their own decisions to make. Maybe I don’t need their approval to feel okay with my decision.