Someone recommended that I write a list of the people who keep me small and people who can support me. As I sat down, what really struck me is that at the top of the list, and the only name that made the list, was myself. I allow my ego, my fear, my trepidation to hold me back in a pattern of not feeling free to express myself. To not allow others around me, which most definitely includes myself, know what I truly want or desire. Why is this? Because I don’t want to rock the boat? Because I don’t want to be known as someone who might change their mind down the road? Because I might make the wrong choice, the wrong decision? Because I might be judged, not liked and rejected. Because I may be left on my own and not survive? Because I’m not sure if I really do belong, if I really do matter and I don’t really want to find out? Because what if it really is true? What if I really am as horrible as I imagine myself to be? What would that mean? How would I feel about it being true? I want to get over this so I can move past the fear the keeps me stuck — that which keeps me from living my brilliance. I want to explore how to live the truth in my life.
Playing small in my life keeps me from stating my wants and desires, from giving myself a voice. In doing this, I allow others to make choices and decisions for me. I have allowed myself not to take responsibility for what happens, but given myself a way to complain and blame everyone else for how unhappy I am. It gives me the false sense of feeling better about myself since I wouldn’t have done this to myself. But really, shouldn’t I be the one in the driver’s seat of my life? Aren’t I the one responsible for myself and what goes on regardless?
I don’t feel that I have this figured out by any means. But that last sentence I wrote struck me, I am the one responsible for myself, my life, and how I feel. Hiding behind my fear and insecurities is only harming myself. With the possibility of eventually wearing on the patience of those who are on the receiving end of unhappiness and criticism. Sitting out in hopes that I don’t have to make a decision and then I can attack someone else for what I’m not happy with doesn’t make much sense. Stay tuned to see where this process will take me next.